Judging from the trailers, not all superhero movies are created equal

The Good(ish): ‘Fantastic Four’

From director Josh Tank, who no one’s ever heard of, comes the epic new trailer for the next unwanted Marvel reboot: “Fantastic Four,” which comes out Aug 7. The preview was released to a completely “not-caring” public on March 19, and people are still wondering if this is an actual thing that’s happening.

There’s not much to say about this one. But, prepare yourself for a new Fantastic Four team, even though the last Fantastic Four movie was only made 10 years ago! Honestly, what’s the rush here? Why do we need this? Anyways, this new team will come together to defeat an “undefeatable” enemy. And you can bet there will be all sorts of product placements. The superpowers will look like real CGI superpowers, the jokes will sound like average jokes, and the actors will immediately regret joining this thing when Rotten Tomatoes releases reviews.

So, blah, blah, blah, there’s a new team, a guy who “doesn’t take orders well.” Okay, dude, you’re the rebel in the band. Blah, blah, blah, science experiments gone wrong. New powers! What a shocker! Can we skip to the actual plot of this film, or does the trailer even show that? So Dr. Doom is the villain again, and it’s a fight for our world again, and of course this ragtag team will learn the importance of family and understanding again.

This film doesn’t look all that bad, but it really is unnecessary. Marvel doesn’t even have the rights to it; FOX does. I’ve never seen the 2005 “Fantastic Four” movie, but I know rebooting it only 10 years later is too soon. Overall, I may see this film when it starts playing on cable or if I’m really bored and there’s nothing else good out, but I’m not anticipating it.

The Bad: ‘Batman v. Superman: Dawn of Justice’

Picking up from where the last broody and depressing DC reboot (“Man of Steel”) left off, the first teaser trailer for “Batman v. Superman: Dawn of Justice” was released on April 17. And no one actually watched it.

Meet Superman (Henry Cavill), an extremely buff man who saved our entire planet from alien destruction, who is now apparently being thrown into political controversy for saving our planet from alien destruction.
But who can forget his opponent, psychotic and cheating husband Nick Dunne from “Gone Girl,” who…Wait, is this right? Ben Affleck is Batman? Why? What did Batman do to you, Ben Affleck? Bring back Christian Bale! He was great in “The Dark Knight.” And now Batman’s supposed to be bad or something? Why is this necessary?

Anyways, watch “Batman” get a new uniform (that’s an obvious rip off of Iron Man) and challenge the Man of Steel himself to a battle that he will obviously lose because….It’s Superman. Come on.

To be frank, I’m not interested in this movie or anything DC really. I’d much rather watch these two heroes argue with each other in the “Super Cafe” from “How It Should Have Ended” on YouTube than see this movie. At least they don’t sit around and brood in that.

The main problem with this film is that it looks like any other cookie-cutter dark superhero movie. We get it. Things are different now. There’s forced controversy, there’s lots of angst and probably lots of computer-generated action sequences that won’t even make sense. We’ve seen this scenario hundreds of times: one big, strong white guy gets angry at another big, strong white guy and they have a staring contest in the rain somewhere before they fight to the death. So unless I hear something about an awesome Wonder Woman cameo that happens in this film, I’m not going to go see it when it comes out March 25.

The Ugly: ‘Ant-Man’

The Marvel Cinematic Universe has given us great things. You loved “Iron Man,” you loved “The Avengers,” you hated “Thor 2: The Dark World,” and you loved “Guardians of the Galaxy.” Now, see the newest trailer for Marvel’s stupidest movie choice so far, “Ant-Man,” which was released on April 13.

Watch as yet another film with an “underdog” white male lead crawls its way to theatres just so Marvel can make their Cinematic Universe even more complicated than before. In this epic new story, Paul Rudd attempts his best humble-Chris Pratt-impersonation as the character Scott Lang, a convict who gains the ability to turn into a bug-sized super soldier. The people in this movie actually call a soldier the size of an insect a super-weapon. Like, really? This is the world’s super weapon? In the Marvel cinematic universe we have Iron Man, Black Widow, Captain America, even the Hulk. And this is a super weapon? No, it’s stupid. This isn’t practical in any way. Why would anyone think this is a good idea?

So Scott’s supposed to be “different.” I don’t know what makes him different, but we’re just going to roll with it that he is. Sure. And whoa! The typical “only female character in this action movie!” Of course, she’s the eventual romantic interest. That’s the only way women can make it on these things. I just want my Black Widow movie. Is that too much to ask, Marvel?

I am going to make it a point to not see this movie. At all. I love Marvel. Tony Stark is awesome, “Guardians of the Galaxy” is hilarious, and both “Avengers” movies were great. But I am not interested in seeing “Ant-Man” whatsoever when it comes out July 17.