Please note that this story does not reflect The Shield‘s current journalistic quality and instead functions as an interesting window into our publication’s past. Also note that this story is entirely farcical in nature and that there is no such thing as a “Devil Deer” who desires your, the reader’s, demise.

Beware the waters of Town Lake, Austin citizens. It is being speculated that an underwater-dwelling deer has been terrorizing innocent swimmers in the waters of Town Lake. The deer has been known to drag small infants to the bottom of the lake where he devours them whole.

Parents of one of the eaten children had this to say about the incident:

“We were happy to get rid of that snot-nosed little brat. In fact, we fed little Timmy to that underwater deer. Ungrateful little wretch.”

Local Irishman O’Henry McCloud was swimming one foggy afternoon when the deer emerged from under the water and ripped off his left arm.

McCloud recounts his story to us:

“Twas I who was justa swimmin’ when out from below came the Devil Deer. He looked innocent enough, so, when he opened his mouth wide, I stuck me arm down his throat as a gesture of friendship. (’tis Irish custom, you see.) The next thing I know is I am without a left arm and the grinnin’ beast is still treadin’ water in front of me.

I figured I must have offended him with me somewhat forward gesture of Irish friendship and this be why he ripped off me arm, so to apologize, I shoved me right arm down the animal’s throat. (again, tis the custom of the Irish people) Well, it seems the Devil Deer ate me right arm, too. By this time, I was gettin’ a wee bit dizzy from the loss of blood, but the Devil Deer was so cute, it was all I could do not to tickle his lips with both of me feet. (this be my own custom) Low and behold, I then found myself without me shaven legs. Oh, how I miss thee sweet, smooth legs. Nevertheless, me limbless body then floated down the lake and was washed ashore to safety. It truly ’tis a shame. I left me home in Ireland to avoid such a tragedy with the Loch Ness Monster. Me brother warned me before I left for America. He said ‘O’Henry! Don’t go! I’ve got the terrible feelin’ that ye will come back as a merely an abdomen with a head!’ I then slapped me brother for sayin’ such a horrible thing. I slapped him and then I spanked him. ‘SPANK!’ I said. ‘SPANK SPANK SPANK!’ Then I kissed his quiverin’ lips. Oh loyal brother, why didn’t I listen to ya?”

This horrible incident should be taken into advisement when one feels the urge to swim the waters of Town Lake. The Devil Deer lurks below and there is no stopping him.

This story was originally published in the Rusty Shield on May 17, 1995.