Years of searching for a pet that apartment managers will not object to may be coming to an end as apartment dwellers have discovered the perfect pet and a new fad, genuine pedigreed pet rocks. The rocks, which can be found in most of the major department stores and shopping centers, come with an instruction book on their care and training, the rocks live in their own boxes which make excellent carrying cases.

Genuine pedigreed rocks are descended from long lines of famous rocks, according to their instruction manual. These famous rocks are from either the ancient pyramids of Egypt or the streets of the powerful Roman Empire. Pet rocks come in colors of red, white or even a blueish green and their size or shape makes them different from any other pet rock. This is a very quiet pet, and there is no mess to clean up when you own a rock. Rocks can be trained to attack on command or to perform tricks, and they are very loving.

“Tybalt wants to grow up to be a great big boulder and diamond,” said Mary Panak as she discussed her new pet rock. “He got very upset when I told him he was the wrong kind of rock to become a diamond. Tybalt is a descendant of Plymouth Rock.”

Once a rock has found a home, it is his owner’s duty to see that he is properly trained. The first command the rock needs to learn is to come. To teach him this command, the owner should place him on the floor behind the individual, shout out “come” and the rock’s name. If the rock does not come at first, it isn’t because he is dumb, it is just that he hasn’t learned his name yet, so the master of the mineral should try again, this time waking toward the rock as he gives the command. The rock will get nearer, showing he is obeying the command.

Stay is the next command that the book explains and the rock should be taught to stay as soon as he learns to come. This is not difficult to teach and many new pet rock purchasers may learn that their pet obeys this the first time he hears the command. Should the rock begin to move, the owner should punish him severely as the owner does not want his pet to follow him everywhere.

Rocks like to fool their masters when it comes time to learn the commands sit and lie down. Often when a rock is ordered to sit, he will lie down, foolishly thinking that his owner doesn’t know the difference. This must be discouraged because once a rock thinks he can get by with lying down he may begin to embarrass the owner in public by lying down when ordered to sit. This will lead friends to believer the owner is stupid and can’t tell the difference. To teach the rock to lie down, the rock should be placed on the floor, given the order and then firmly stepped on.

After learning the basic commands, owners might want to teach the rock to roll over, play dead or skip. Rocks enjoy all of these tricks immensely and will perform the tricks over and over again. To teach a rock to roll over, the pet should be placed at the top of a hill, given the command and a shove. The booklet advises the owner to run down the hill praising the rock for performing the trick correctly. If returned to the top of the hill, the rock will eagerly do the trick again and the owners will always tire before the pet.

A rock’s favorite trick is playing dead. Often pet rock tenders will discover that their pets perform this trick without being ordered to. They play dead all the time. Skipping a rock over water is a dangerous trick; rocks love water, but can’t swim, so if a rock should stop skipping before it reaches the other side of the water, it will drown and the owner will have to buy another pet.

Protection is available for the owner of a pet rock. To teach a rock to attack, the owner needs only to fling the rock at whomever he wants attacked and to shout, “Attack!” Persons who own attack-trained rocks should be aware that they will be held responsible for any damage the rock does during his attack.

Wild rocks are everywhere, on mountains, in roads, on highways, in yards and often travel into homes with plants. These rocks should not be taken home as a pet, they are extremely dangerous. Steve Brock is a camper and has met up with many of the untrained minerals and warns people to beware.

“Big wild rocks like to jump off of cliffs onto campers and try to kill them. The little wild ones will attack the toes of people who aren’t careful. The only time to trust a wild rock,” Steve explains, “is when they come up to a campfire. They love to let people sit on them around a campfire.”

Dangers involved in keeping wild rocks should be known and avoided by keeping only genuine pedigreed pet rocks. These rocks cost only $4 and have been tested for intelligence and compatibility. Anyone allergic to animals, who hates animals or who lives in an animal-restricted area should join the hundreds of students and adults who are proud Pet Rock Owners.

This story originally ran in The Shield on Dec. 18, 1975.