Buckle up kiddies because you’re life is about to fall apart.
Why, you ask? Well, starting on the 19th, Mercury will be sliding into retrograde and won’t be budging until a week into 2017. In other words, it’s about to get real.
Mercury in retrograde is an astrological phenomenon in which the planet Mercury passes Earth due to its smaller orbit. All the planets tend to slide in and out of retrograde but Mercury is the most notorious due to its negative impact on basically all aspects of life. This movement, according to astrology, can affect communication, judgement, travel and new endeavors as well as cause general chaos and disorder. The signs Gemini and Virgo are particularly susceptible to these effects because they’re ruled by the planet Mercury. People who work in the communications industry (think TV broadcasting and magazine editing) and people taking a trip during the holidays can also be more strongly affected, seeing as how Mercury is the planet that represents both communication and travel.
Sounds pretty risky, doesn’t it? That’s because it is. One wrong move during Mercury in retrograde could ruin your entire winter break. Don’t worry though. Follow these five steps and you should make it to Jan. 8 fairly unscathed.
- Don’t make any impulsive decisions.
Strongly considering texting your ex? My suggestion is to put that phone down and think about what you’re doing. Mercury in retrograde strongly affects people’s judgement so it’s best to process all of your decisions before you go through with them.
2. Don’t start any new endeavors.
It’s a fact that any new project started during Mercury in retrograde is destined to end in hellfire. Mercury rules all contracts, both formal and non-formal, so when the planet goes into retrograde, those things tend to get scrambled, leading to chaos and confusion. Definitely do NOT start a new job or go monogamous with someone in the next three weeks.
3. Go ahead and throw away your phone.
One word: communication. Through text, words can be easily muddled and misinterpreted so it’s best to just not text at all. To avoid the inevitable massive argument that comes with texting during Mercury in retrograde, just get rid of your phone. You heard me, get rid of it. Throw it in a river. Run it over with your car. Toss it into your blender and turn it into a microchip smoothie. Trust me, you’re better off without it.
4. Don’t leave the house for the next three weeks.
If you really think about it, the world during Mercury in retrograde is a very dangerous place. It’s best to just hole up at home and wait until it all blows over. And what a perfect time of year to become a recluse! Frostbite will never have a chance to freeze your nose off if you’re inside, nice and cozy and watching the annual Harry Potter Weekend Marathon on ABC Family.
5. Just give up.
Just give up. You can’t do anything for the next three weeks without it potentially destroying you and everything you’ve worked for so just give up. What is the point? Just. Give. Up.
